The Art of Letting Go
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Our 11-year-old has recently begun a new leg in his journey towards independence. For many years, we have been chauffeuring him to and fro school. A couple of weeks ago, he finally made his maiden voyage from school to home on his own by public bus.
Perhaps it wasn’t a big deal for him. But for us, as parents who are ever so concerned about his physical safety, it is another critical milestone in our own journey towards learning the art of letting go. I cringe at the thought of having to say “Yes” to him going out on a date with his girlfriend or taking my car for a spin in a not too distant future.
That’s probably what we could expect in the course of parenthood – a series of ‘tests’ that challenge us to progressively let go of our children, sit back, and watch them spread their wings and become increasingly more independent. Unfortunately, there is no rulebook that tells us when to let our children do what. Each of us needs to figure out our own comfort level, risk appetite, and ability to assess our children’s readiness. Letting go too early can put them at unnecessary risk. Letting go too late may stifle their development and hinder their growth. Nevertheless, it is an art that we all ought to master, especially when our children approach the adolescent years. It is often said that raising teenagers is the most difficult time for parents. If that is true, then the pre-teen years is definitely the time for us to proactively prepare for the challenge.
In fact, many parents have shared with me that their pre-teens are already giving them both headaches and heartaches. Kids these days readily challenge adults’ authority, question their decisions, and often win their parents hands down with their superior reasoning ability. Perhaps that’s what they have been taught in school. Assertiveness and critical thinking are wonderful qualities, but also easily misused by the young against their less proficient parents.
Few parents are armed with the skill to convince the young of their often flawed arguments. The only answer to “Why can’t I do this?” is often, “Because I said so!” But kids aren’t prepared to accept such an authoritarian reply anymore. They will retaliate with sound rationale that often leaves their parents speechless and helpless. What are parents of this new generation kids to do?
I would say, shift gear and stop imposing one’s adult worldviews onto the young. Instead, engage them in conversations that encourage them to reveal their thinking and feelings. That gives us a chance to understand how they view the world differently. Generation gaps are expected. It is important that we acknowledge their opinions even if we disagree. Where appropriate, invite them to see things from different perspectives, without invalidating their own.
The truth is, we can’t control what our teens or pre-teens think, let alone what they do in our absence. They will form their own opinions about school, music, dating, premarital sex, religion, alcohol, smoking, and a host of other things. A big part of ‘letting go’ is not only to let them do things on their own, but also to allow and encourage them to have their own opinions. What’s crucial is that we seek to maintain a strong and healthy relationship that places us in a position to influence them in a positive way. Teens turn to their friends because their parents don’t listen to them, leaving them to feel unloved.
So, if your kids are approaching the teenage years, perhaps it’s time to start learning to LET GO, to LISTEN without judgment, and to communicate in a manner that make them feel LOVED. Only then, will you retain your power of influence so as to keep them on the right track with your adult wisdom.
[By Kenny Toh, Founder of Institute of Advanced Parentology]
