Raising Confident Children
Comments Off This article is reprinted from the first issue of Raising Heroes (January 2006), a newsletter by International Network for Parents as Coaches (INPaC).
In this inaugural issue of Raising Heroes, we look at an aspiration shared by most parents: raising confident children. Don’t we all wish to raise confident children? What is the source of confidence? How can we instill confidence in our children?
Firstly, it is important to appreciate that the sense of confidence comes from within. While it is helpful for parents to believe in their children, what matters more is how children feel and believe about themselves. The source of confidence is self-belief, one of the three core areas of focus in coaching. The other two are awareness and responsibility. To discover how we could instill confidence in our children, we first need to understand how their beliefs affect their behaviours.
Beliefs are generally what we accept to be true. These include assumptions, conclusions and predictions. An interesting feature of beliefs is that they are self-fulfilling. A belief sets up an expectation, which in turns shape our perceptual filters that determine our experience. As Henry Ford once said, “If you believe you can or you cannot, you are probably right.” When a child believes that he can perform a task, he is more likely to succeed. And if he fails initially, he will try again and again till he gets it right. But when a child believes that he can’t, he is less likely to try. And if he fails after trying, he takes it as an affirmation of his belief that he can’t. It is only natural for any human being to want to be right, and this tendency can be unhealthy especially for those who suffer from a low self-esteem.
In coaching our children, their well being is of utmost importance. The process of coaching usually entails guiding the child to grow and become more competent in a certain aspect of life. This could mean getting a young child to tie his shoelaces independently, riding a bicycle or competing in a chess tournament. Confident children feel good about themselves. They exhibit an attitude of “I can do it!” Conversely, those who lack confidence often hold beliefs such as “I can’t” and “I’m not good enough”.
Instilling confidence in a child is a step-by-step process. What we could do to help them gain confidence gradually over time is to break the endeavour into several smaller steps. The idea is to make it easy for them to get started, and then build momentum from initial successes. Sometimes, a child may even do that by himself. I remember watching my six year old learn to perform a stunt by jumping off the top bunk of a double-deck bed. Part of me felt like stopping him from doing things that might get him hurt, but the other part of me that prevailed was curious to observe how he handled the process. He started by leaping from the middle of the ladder, and gradually moved higher up one rung at a time until he reached the bed on the top bunk. Throughout the process, I heard him chanting to himself, “I can do it. I can do it.” And true enough, he finally did it.
One of the major causes of low self-confidence is fear. Again, fear is often rooted in a belief that “I can’t handle it”. Such a belief is usually drawn from past experience. A child who had suffered a bad fall previously when learning to ride a bicycle may be too fearful to try again. As a coach, our primary task is to help them to become aware of exactly what their fears are, and then guide them to identify what they could do about them. At times, it may turn out that a child is more afraid of being laughed at by his friends than the physical pain from falling off a bike. The former may be addressed by shifting to a more private space, while the latter by not letting off our grip on the bike until the child is ready to go solo. Whatever it is, we need to provide the necessary encouragement and support to sustain their action, and not let the child settle for the negative self-belief. Some people never got over the fears they adopted during childhood and continue to be hindered by them throughout their lives.
In anything that a child does, building confidence often involves guiding a child to progress from a novice to intermediate or advance level. As coaches, it is up to us to create a safe environment for our children to try out new things. For example, in most skating schools, we often hear the instructors telling learners to fall forward when they lose control. To a beginner, “Don’t fall” or “be careful” is of not much help. Instead, learners are given protective gears and taught the basics of falling such that it does not become something to be feared. Once a child can ‘fall confidently’, he loses the fear of falling, freeing him up to channel his attention to mastering the various techniques of skating.
The best form of encouragement is probably to openly display our belief in our children’s ability. Once, my child took part in a chess tournament and felt that he would not be able to defeat his opponent, who was then the top-seeded player. I asked him, “How did you know that he is undefeatable?” My son replied, “He is very good. He is rank number one. He has won all his games so far.” My son is an underdog taking part in a national tournament for the first time, and had not played against any of the top ranking players before. I told him, “Anything is possible, and you won’t find out unless you try. I know just one boy who might defeat him, and his name is … Sean (my son)”. His face lit up in shock. He did not win the championship, but he did come in second after defeating most of the top players, including the boy he previously feared. Pay attention to where they have done well in the past and guide them to access those experiences as personal resources to help them build greater confidence. This victory meant a lot to him, and will remain a great lesson for him to challenge his assumptions and beliefs whenever he encounters self-doubts in the future.
Another important practice in building children’s confidence is to catch them doing the right things, and acknowledge them in a timely manner. It may be as simple as saying “That’s right” or “You did the right thing just now”. Just state the fact, without adding on our emotions such as “I’m proud of you when you did that.” Our pride is irrelevant to our children’s growth. What matters is that they get some form of affirmation when they did well. The opposite of that is criticism, probably the greatest destroyer of a child’s self-esteem.
Criticism has absolutely no place in coaching, not even constructive ones. Parents’ criticisms often persist into adulthood. Most adults walk around with a critical parent part in them, manifesting in the form of inner voices that constantly remind them of their shortcomings. The alternative to criticisms is not praises, but requests. For example, instead of criticizing a child by saying “Why are you so careless?”, tell them “Would you be more careful next time?”. When we request our children to perform or behave in a desirable manner, it helps them to move towards a positive outcome as opposed to avoiding a negative one.
Lastly, as the first principle of coaching for parents says, “Lead by example”. We inspire them best by exuding a great sense of confidence in ourselves. If needed, apply the these approaches to coach yourself and build greater confidence. Remember the following:
- Encourage them to believe in themselves. Get them used to saying, “Yes, I can do it!”
- Divide and conquer. Breakdown challenges into smaller steps, build momentum on initial successes.
- Guide them to acknowledge their fears, and challenge the underlying assumptions.
- Create a safe environment for them to try new things.
- Catch them doing the right things, and acknowledge immediately.
- Drop all criticisms.
- Be confident and lead by example.
Happy Coaching!
[Contributed by Kenny Toh, Founder of Institute of Advanced Parentology]
