Featured Article from Issue 3 of Positive Parenting Digest

Last week, I was invited to attend two parenting talks. The first talk was on how to help children prepare for exams. The second was on how to help children manage stress and enhance their self-esteem. The turnout for the first was four times that of the second. What does that say about parents’ concerns in Singapore?

Putting aside variables such as speaker’s profile, venue, cost, and timing, I couldn’t help thinking that the word ‘exam’ had made all the difference. One speaker told me bluntly, “Face it. Singaporean parents are more interested in getting their children to score A’s in exams than in anything else.”

The fact that parents are concerned or even anxious about how well their children perform in exams is no surprise. Many see their children’s academic performance as an indicator that predicts the latter’s future success. Some see improvement in grades as the measure of the ‘return on investment’ for the thousands of dollars they had poured into their children’s tuition and enrichment programmes. Others see their children’s achievements as a measure of their own success as parents.

Perhaps, these explain the uproar from some parents when the Ministry of Education (MOE) announced last year the decision to remove formal exams from the first two years of primary education. While MOE’s move brings much relief to the children, freeing them to concentrate on learning rather than preparing for exams, the idea that children do not sit for exams is unimaginable for some parents. Suddenly, the single measure of success (i.e. grades) that once meant everything to them no longer exists. More anxiety is generated, as the burning question of “How is my child doing?” remains unanswered.

Anxiety from the feeling of uncertainty is normal. But anxiety over not knowing how well one’s child is doing academically is unnecessary, and sometimes even counter-productive. I wished I could reach out to these parents and tell them a little secret about helping children excel in their studies.

Here’s the secret:

“Provide the necessary guidance, support and encouragement, and then get out of the way.”

I want to emphasize on the second part – “Get out of the way.” By that, I mean avoid being the obstacle to our children’s success. Why do I say that? Parents’ anxiety is perhaps the greatest source of stress to children. When parents are anxious about their children’s performance, the latter becomes excessively worried about meeting their parents’ expectations. Their minds begin to be filled with thoughts such as “What would happen if I didn’t do well?”, “I can’t disappoint my parents”, and “I must do well and not let them down.” Now, what’s wrong with these thoughts?

In the language of performance coaching, they are called ‘interference.’ Timothy Gallwey, the originator of the Inner Game methodology that is used widely in the field of professional coaching wrote:

In every human endeavor there are two arenas of engagement: the outer and the inner. The outer game is played on an external arena to overcome external obstacles to reach an external goal. The inner game takes place within the mind of the player and is played against such obstacles as fear, self-doubt, lapses in focus, and limiting concepts or assumptions. The inner game is played to overcome the self-imposed obstacles that prevent an individual or team from accessing their full potential.

In simple terms the game can be summarized in a formula: Performance = potential-interference, P=p-i. According to this formula, performance can be enhanced either by growing “p” potential or by decreasing “i,” interference.

In the context of academic performance for children, doing revision, acquiring effective study skills, and mastering exam techniques are all about the Outer Game. Part of the Inner Game is about overcoming the fear of not doing well enough, the anxiety from not meeting parents’ expectations, and guilt from not working hard enough so as to avoid letting their parents down.

Hence, in order to enhance children’s performance, parents ought to consider helping them grow their potential as well as eliminating or minimizing the interference. The first half of the secret I had shared earlier, “Provide the necessary guidance, support and encouragement” deals with growing our children’s potential. And I believe most well-meaning parents are already doing that to some extent. It is eliminating the interference by “getting out of the way” and not letting our anxiety create unnecessary stress in our children that warrants more attention.

So, parents, if you want your child to excel, learn to get out of the way!

[Contributed By Kenny Toh, Founder of Institute of Advanced Parentology]

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