In this inaugural issue of Raising Heroes, we look at an aspiration shared by most parents: raising confident children. Don’t we all wish to raise confident children? What is the source of confidence? How can we instill confidence in our children?

Firstly, it is important to appreciate that the sense of confidence comes from within. While it is helpful for parents to believe in their children, what matters more is how children feel and believe about themselves. The source of confidence is self-belief, one of the three core areas of focus in coaching. The other two are awareness and responsibility. To discover how we could instill confidence in our children, we first need to understand how their beliefs affect their behaviours.

Beliefs are generally what we accept to be true. These include assumptions, conclusions and predictions. An interesting feature of beliefs is that they are self-fulfilling. A belief sets up an expectation, which in turns shape our perceptual filters that determine our experience. As Henry Ford once said, “If you believe you can or you cannot, you are probably right.” When a child believes that he can perform a task, he is more likely to succeed. And if he fails initially, he will try again and again till he gets it right. But when a child believes that he can’t, he is less likely to try. And if he fails after trying, he takes it as an affirmation of his belief that he can’t. It is only natural for any human being to want to be right, and this tendency can be unhealthy especially for those who suffer from a low self-esteem.

In coaching our children, their well being is of utmost importance. The process of coaching usually entails guiding the child to grow and become more competent in a certain aspect of life. This could mean getting a young child to tie his shoelaces independently, riding a bicycle or competing in a chess tournament. Confident children feel good about themselves. They exhibit an attitude of “I can do it!” Conversely, those who lack confidence often hold beliefs such as “I can’t” and “I’m not good enough”.

Instilling confidence in a child is a step-by-step process. What we could do to help them gain confidence gradually over time is to break the endeavour into several smaller steps. The idea is to make it easy for them to get started, and then build momentum from initial successes. Sometimes, a child may even do that by himself. I remember watching my six year old learn to perform a stunt by jumping off the top bunk of a double-deck bed. Part of me felt like stopping him from doing things that might get him hurt, but the other part of me that prevailed was curious to observe how he handled the process. He started by leaping from the middle of the ladder, and gradually moved higher up one rung at a time until he reached the bed on the top bunk. Throughout the process, I heard him chanting to himself, “I can do it. I can do it.” And true enough, he finally did it.

One of the major causes of low self-confidence is fear. Again, fear is often rooted in a belief that “I can’t handle it”. Such a belief is usually drawn from past experience. A child who had suffered a bad fall previously when learning to ride a bicycle may be too fearful to try again. As a coach, our primary task is to help them to become aware of exactly what their fears are, and then guide them to identify what they could do about them. At times, it may turn out that a child is more afraid of being laughed at by his friends than the physical pain from falling off a bike. The former may be addressed by shifting to a more private space, while the latter by not letting off our grip on the bike until the child is ready to go solo. Whatever it is, we need to provide the necessary encouragement and support to sustain their action, and not let the child settle for the negative self-belief. Some people never got over the fears they adopted during childhood and continue to be hindered by them throughout their lives.

In anything that a child does, building confidence often involves guiding a child to progress from a novice to intermediate or advance level. As coaches, it is up to us to create a safe environment for our children to try out new things. For example, in most skating schools, we often hear the instructors telling learners to fall forward when they lose control. To a beginner, “Don’t fall” or “be careful” is of not much help. Instead, learners are given protective gears and taught the basics of falling such that it does not become something to be feared. Once a child can ‘fall confidently’, he loses the fear of falling, freeing him up to channel his attention to mastering the various techniques of skating.

The best form of encouragement is probably to openly display our belief in our children’s ability. Once, my child took part in a chess tournament and felt that he would not be able to defeat his opponent, who was then the top-seeded player. I asked him, “How did you know that he is undefeatable?” My son replied, “He is very good. He is rank number one. He has won all his games so far.” My son is an underdog taking part in a national tournament for the first time, and had not played against any of the top ranking players before. I told him, “Anything is possible, and you won’t find out unless you try. I know just one boy who might defeat him, and his name is … Sean (my son)”. His face lit up in shock. He did not win the championship, but he did come in second after defeating most of the top players, including the boy he previously feared. Pay attention to where they have done well in the past and guide them to access those experiences as personal resources to help them build greater confidence. This victory meant a lot to him, and will remain a great lesson for him to challenge his assumptions and beliefs whenever he encounters self-doubts in the future.

Another important practice in building children’s confidence is to catch them doing the right things, and acknowledge them in a timely manner. It may be as simple as saying “That’s right” or “You did the right thing just now”. Just state the fact, without adding on our emotions such as “I’m proud of you when you did that.” Our pride is irrelevant to our children’s growth. What matters is that they get some form of affirmation when they did well. The opposite of that is criticism, probably the greatest destroyer of a child’s self-esteem.

Criticism has absolutely no place in coaching, not even constructive ones. Parents’ criticisms often persist into adulthood. Most adults walk around with a critical parent part in them, manifesting in the form of inner voices that constantly remind them of their shortcomings. The alternative to criticisms is not praises, but requests. For example, instead of criticizing a child by saying “Why are you so careless?”, tell them “Would you be more careful next time?”. When we request our children to perform or behave in a desirable manner, it helps them to move towards a positive outcome as opposed to avoiding a negative one.

Lastly, as the first principle of coaching for parents says, “Lead by example”. We inspire them best by exuding a great sense of confidence in ourselves. If needed, apply the these approaches to coach yourself and build greater confidence. Remember the following:
- Encourage them to believe in themselves. Get them used to saying, “Yes, I can do it!”
- Divide and conquer. Breakdown challenges into smaller steps, build momentum on initial successes.
- Guide them to acknowledge their fears, and challenge the underlying assumptions.
- Create a safe environment for them to try new things.
- Catch them doing the right things, and acknowledge immediately.
- Drop all criticisms.
- Be confident and lead by example.

Happy Coaching!

 [Contributed by Kenny Toh, Founder of Institute of Advanced Parentology]

Last week, I was invited to attend two parenting talks. The first talk was on how to help children prepare for exams. The second was on how to help children manage stress and enhance their self-esteem. The turnout for the first was four times that of the second. What does that say about parents’ concerns in Singapore?

Putting aside variables such as speaker’s profile, venue, cost, and timing, I couldn’t help thinking that the word ‘exam’ had made all the difference. One speaker told me bluntly, “Face it. Singaporean parents are more interested in getting their children to score A’s in exams than in anything else.”

The fact that parents are concerned or even anxious about how well their children perform in exams is no surprise. Many see their children’s academic performance as an indicator that predicts the latter’s future success. Some see improvement in grades as the measure of the ‘return on investment’ for the thousands of dollars they had poured into their children’s tuition and enrichment programmes. Others see their children’s achievements as a measure of their own success as parents.

Perhaps, these explain the uproar from some parents when the Ministry of Education (MOE) announced last year the decision to remove formal exams from the first two years of primary education. While MOE’s move brings much relief to the children, freeing them to concentrate on learning rather than preparing for exams, the idea that children do not sit for exams is unimaginable for some parents. Suddenly, the single measure of success (i.e. grades) that once meant everything to them no longer exists. More anxiety is generated, as the burning question of “How is my child doing?” remains unanswered.

Anxiety from the feeling of uncertainty is normal. But anxiety over not knowing how well one’s child is doing academically is unnecessary, and sometimes even counter-productive. I wished I could reach out to these parents and tell them a little secret about helping children excel in their studies.

Here’s the secret:

“Provide the necessary guidance, support and encouragement, and then get out of the way.”

I want to emphasize on the second part – “Get out of the way.” By that, I mean avoid being the obstacle to our children’s success. Why do I say that? Parents’ anxiety is perhaps the greatest source of stress to children. When parents are anxious about their children’s performance, the latter becomes excessively worried about meeting their parents’ expectations. Their minds begin to be filled with thoughts such as “What would happen if I didn’t do well?”, “I can’t disappoint my parents”, and “I must do well and not let them down.” Now, what’s wrong with these thoughts?

In the language of performance coaching, they are called ‘interference.’ Timothy Gallwey, the originator of the Inner Game methodology that is used widely in the field of professional coaching wrote:

In every human endeavor there are two arenas of engagement: the outer and the inner. The outer game is played on an external arena to overcome external obstacles to reach an external goal. The inner game takes place within the mind of the player and is played against such obstacles as fear, self-doubt, lapses in focus, and limiting concepts or assumptions. The inner game is played to overcome the self-imposed obstacles that prevent an individual or team from accessing their full potential.

In simple terms the game can be summarized in a formula: Performance = potential-interference, P=p-i. According to this formula, performance can be enhanced either by growing “p” potential or by decreasing “i,” interference.

In the context of academic performance for children, doing revision, acquiring effective study skills, and mastering exam techniques are all about the Outer Game. Part of the Inner Game is about overcoming the fear of not doing well enough, the anxiety from not meeting parents’ expectations, and guilt from not working hard enough so as to avoid letting their parents down.

Hence, in order to enhance children’s performance, parents ought to consider helping them grow their potential as well as eliminating or minimizing the interference. The first half of the secret I had shared earlier, “Provide the necessary guidance, support and encouragement” deals with growing our children’s potential. And I believe most well-meaning parents are already doing that to some extent. It is eliminating the interference by “getting out of the way” and not letting our anxiety create unnecessary stress in our children that warrants more attention.

So, parents, if you want your child to excel, learn to get out of the way!

[Contributed By Kenny Toh, Founder of Institute of Advanced Parentology]

Many years ago, way before I ventured into the field of parent education, my younger child once asked me,”Daddy, why do some parents hit their children?”  Honestly, I didn’t really have the answer.  How would I know?  I don’t hit our children. But I know from childhood experience that my mother was pretty upset when she caned me.   So, wanting to look knowledgeable, I made up an answer and explained that perhaps these parents were angry with their children.

I thought that would satisfy his curiosity, but I was wrong.  “So, is it okay to hit someone when you are angry?”, he further inquired.  Now, that made me felt like I was walking on a slippery slope.  Young children are very smart these days, and they don’t let you off the hook easily.  I decided to come clean and confessed, “To tell you the truth, I don’t really know why some parents hit their children.  But I do know that it is not alright to hit someone, regardless of whether you are angry or not.”  He seemed pleased, and that bought me some time to investigate further.

Over the years, I have become an avid student of a topic called ‘discipline.’   I have read scores of parenting literature on this subject, held countless discussions with parents, and consulted with several parenting experts.  I studied the findings from the multitude of research that social scientists have done on corporal punishment.  I interviewed advocates of corporal punishment (some of whom are deeply religious and highly educated individuals) to understand their point of view.  This article presents my key findings and conclusions.
 
Firstly, I discovered that all parents are driven by well-meaning intentions.  They seek to do what they think is of the best interests for their children, although some of their actions are hurtful.  The reasons that parents hit their children are many, but there are generally two categories of parents – those who reacted emotionally and those who acted with conscious deliberation. 

Hitting Children out of Anger

The first group of parents confessed that they hit their children out of anger or frustration.   In other words, they had lost control of themselves, and often felt remorseful subsequently.  They acknowledged that hitting children is inappropriate, especially when they witnessed the latter picking up aggressive behaviors after them.  They simply couldn’t help it when emotions run high. 
 
Emotional reactions almost always occur unconsciously, and most people have some difficulty managing their emotions.  Parents are no exception.  Some have learnt to cope by walking away when they are upset, only to return to their children when they have calmed down.  Others simply stopped when their children have grown too big to be hit without risking their physical retaliation.  A consistent observation from these parents is that they don’t justify their actions, for they certainly don’t feel good about hurting the children they love.
 
Hitting Children as a Form of Punishment

 The second group comprises practitioners and advocates of corporal punishment.  They come in different degrees of zealousness about the merits of being strict or harsh with children.   Some swore by it, citing that it works miraculously to get their children to behave desirably, especially after having exhausted other methods such as reasoning, bribing, threatening, and nagging.  Some voiced that the adverse effects of corporal punishment reported in research might be overrated, as either they or their children had turned out “fine.”  Many felt that children must not be allowed to ‘get away’ with their wrong doings unpunished for fear that the lack of consequences will encourage further misdeeds.  Some quote the Holy Bible and words of their religious leaders as the sources of authority, while others claimed that even parenting experts advocate the use of corporal punishment.
 
What do they have in common?  Unlike the first group, these parents had reasons for their actions.  They were able to justify the act of hurting children with explanations that are ‘valid’ at least from their unique perspectives.  Although most of them expressed that they felt somewhat ‘bad’ about hitting their children, they sincerely believed it was the ‘right’ thing to do. 
 
The Right Thing Isn’t Necessary Alright
 
Now, just ask any five-year-old if he or she thought whether hitting another person is alright, and the answer is obviously “No!”  How is it that grown-ups who are supposedly wiser and more experienced thought otherwise?  They know instinctively that hitting children is undesirable, yet they do it anyway.   The absurdity illustrated by the following words from Haim Ginott:

When a child hits a child, we call it aggression.
When a child hits an adult, we call it hostility.
When an adult hits an adult, we call it assault.
When an adult hits a child, we call it discipline.

What is it that the innocent young child sees that these adults don’t? Daniel Goleman (author of Emotional Intelligence) has an explanation.  In his book Vital Lies, Simple Truths: The Psychology of Self-Deception, Goleman attributes such phenomenon to what he termed a lacuna, meaning a ‘blind spot’ that escapes our field of attention or awareness.  He suggests that somewhere in the human mind lies a mechanism of self-deception that filters out the facts that we don’t want to know, without even us knowing.  
 
Beware of Blind Spots

And just as any driver would know, ignoring our blind spots is dangerous and predisposes us to possible disasters.  In parenting, the stakes could be too high to handle. Some people lose their children, while others struggle with daily conflicts that deprive them of the intrinsic joy that parenting was supposed to bring.
 
Now, if you fall into the second category of parents that I had described above, consider examining the possible blindspots by reading the 5 Common Misconceptions About Discipline and Punishment with an open mind, and form your judgment thereafter.  If you’re in the first category, you may wish to pick up Goleman’s bestseller Emotional Intelligence and hone your emotional management skills. 
 
Whichever category you fall into, let me invite you to support a nationwide movement to help parents to stop hurting children in the name of discipline, and start loving them through the practice of non-punitive discipline by making a PLEDGE TODAY!
 
[Contributed By Kenny Toh, Founder of Institute of Advanced Parentology]

It is human nature us to resist attempts from others to control our behaviours.  The need for freedom and autonomy is encoded in our genes.  And children are no different.  Young children who feel powerless to resist their parents’ demands for them to do things they do not want to do often comply out of fear, albeit with resentment.  However, adolescents who feel they might have the power to resist successfully may have no hesitation to put up a fight and thus, earning them the familiar title of ‘rebellious teens.’ 
 
Moreover, as today’s youths are increasingly encouraged to speak their mind, express their opinions and question conventional wisdom, many parents find themselves ill-equipped to deal with those who readily talk back or challenge their instructions in ways that are unimaginable in the past.  
 
The greatest shock goes to parents who still believe firmly in exerting their parental authority in a strict and authoritarian manner.  They continue to attempt to control their children by exercising their positional power, not knowing that in a democratic society like today’s, dictatorship has long lost its relevance.  Respect for individual freedom and choice is the new currency.  Without mutual respect between parent and child, the journey of parenthood can be a difficult one for both.
 
Most Parenting Problems are Relationship Problems

In essence, the majority of parenting problems are really relationship problems.  Many parents have complained about having trouble getting their children to listen to them, but few are prepared to examine how they might have contributed to their problems.  The same children often have no trouble listening to their friends or other adults whom they admire, respect and trust. So, what is the secret for getting through to a child or adolescent who refuses to listen?

The answer is simple – work on improving the relationship.  And that begins with giving up the need to control our children, followed by taking charge of a few things that we do have control of – the way we see, the way we think and the way we act.  

A New Way of Acting with our Children

Every action parents take can potentially affect the parent-child relationship in either a constructive or destructive manner.   A useful rule of thumb for parents is: “When you don’t know what to do, do nothing.”   The reason is simple.  It takes much more effort to recover from a negative experience, than to have a positive one. 

Perhaps the quickest way to enhance parent-child relationship is for us to avoid what Glasser terms as the “seven deadly habits” – criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and rewarding to control.  All these actions stem from the inherent tendency to control our children, and almost always make them feel unloved and disconnected, thereby destroying our relationships with them.  He also goes on to suggest that we replace these destructive habits with the “seven connecting habits” – caring, trusting, listening, supporting, negotiating, befriending, and encouraging. 

A New Way of Thinking about Children’s Behaviours 

Children’s behaviors are driven by the same set of basic human needs as we do.  Namely, these include the need for survival, safety, love and belonging, freedom, power, and fun.  And most of the time, when children ‘misbehave,’ it is because they have limited experience, knowledge or skills to satisfy their needs in ways that adults deemed as acceptable or socially appropriate.  
 
Infants cry, toddlers throw tantrum, and teenagers tell lies because those are the limited ways they know for getting what they want.  Rather than to punish them with the hope of deterring future recurrences of the undesirable behaviours, would it not be more useful that we take time to help them acquire the missing competencies so that they learn to fulfill their needs in more constructive ways? 
 
Controlling children through reward and punishment will not foster the sense of independence and competence in them.  It is imperative that help them develop self-control so that they are able to make good moral choices on their own.

A New Way of Seeing Children

Children are not objects that we could control or shape to fit our ideals.  They have a life of their own, and we must resist the temptation to mould them into what we think they should be or to live out our unfilled dreams through them.  They will form their own ideas about the world, and have views that differ from ours, just like how we think differently from our own parents. 
 
While we try to impart to them, values that we hold close to our hearts, we must be mindful not to forcefully impose our worldviews onto them.  The latter will only invite resistance and rebellion.  Rather, it is through maintaining a strong parent-child relationship built on the solid foundation of mutual trust and respect that we could retain our power to influence them through offering on-going guidance and counsel.

Conclusion

Children are indeed uncontrollable, but that is not the root of the challenges parents face.  It is the tendency to control the uncontrollable that makes parenting problematic for many. The only things that we truly have control over are those that lie within the self – how choose to we see our children, think about their behaviours, and act with or towards them. 
 
What we cannot control, we can at best influence.  And our ability to influence our children rests solely upon the strength of the relationship we have with them, which can be enhanced by replacing destructive habits with constructive ones that can foster the sense of parent-child connection.  It is only when we successfully make our children feel loved and connected that we regain control on how our journey through parenthood will continue to unfold. 

Contributed by Kenny Toh, Founder of Institute of Advanced Parentology

Last Friday, on 17 July, 2009, IAP launched Positive Parenting Digest - a weekly newsletter featuring the latest thinking on the art and science of raising children, enduring principles that have withstood the test of time, effective parenting practices for the present times, practical tips, and a wealth of other resources to help you enjoy an extraordinary and positive parenting experience.

Click HERE to check out the inaugural issue and visit IAP homepage to SIGN UP for your weekly update.

I am pleased to announce that IAP has initiated the Parenting without Punishment Campaign to serve as a starting point for social transformation and a catalyst for raising awareness amongst families in Singapore of the availability and merits of non-punitive approaches for disciplining children.

It is my pleasure to  invite you to visit the official campaign site to find out more about the possibility of raising good children without having to resort to ways that may cause physical, psychological and emotional harm to the very ones we love. 

I hope you will support the campaign by making a PLEDGE to Say YES! to Non-Punitive Discipline.  Non-Punitive Discipline isn’t a new parenting style, method or approach.  It’s been practiced successfully by many families for decades, although less common in Asia, where physical punishment such as caning or spanking is a norm. 

And if you’re still having any reservation about not punishing your children for their misbehaviours, feel free to contact us for further support.   Between now till 30 September 2009, IAP is committed to provide 100 hours of FREE consultation for individuals who are interested to learn more about Positive (Non-Punitive) Discipline. 

To mark the official launch of the campaign, IAP is offering two foundational courses related to Positive Parenting on a pay-as-you-benefit basis.  There is absolutely no excuse not to learn about this empowering and positive alternative for raising children.  For more details of the course, click on links below:

• Positive Parenting Essentials (25& 26 July, 2009)
• Positive Discipline in Action (1 Aug, 2009)

Together, let’s make the world a better place for our families, our children, and the children of our children. 

May your Positive Parenting Dream come true ..

Kenny Toh, Chief Parentologist

IAP has recently launched a new eBook following a talk delivered at the Positive Parenting Congress organised by Abbott Nutrition on Mother’s Day, 10th May, 2009.

Get YOUR FREE guide to the NEW RULE for Positive Parenting now by clicking on the image (on left) or …

Visit http://www.advancedparentology.com/eBookNEWRULE.htm

In this dream, children are allowed to be children. They are loved and accepted for who they are, and not for how well they meet adults’ expectations of how they should behave. They are allowed to make mistakes, experience failures, and even occasionally ‘misbehave.’ Misbehaviours are met with understanding, empathy and nurturing guidance, rather than anger or punishment.

In this dream, the use of the familiar ‘carrot and stick’ or ‘reward and punishment’ method of behaviour management is reserved for the training of animals only, and not for raising children. Instead, children are treated with respect and dignity. They are encouraged to rely on their intrinsic tendency towards goodness, to be guided by their conscience, and to exercise their will to choose to act in morally and socially appropriate ways.

In this dream, children are raised in a growth engendering environment that enables them to develop a healthy personality and good character. They are nurtured with an abundance of love, encouragement, guidance and support. They are encouraged to play to their strengths and fully actualise their unique potentials.

In this dream, parenting problems, power struggles, and parent-child conflicts are gradually becoming extinct. Parenting is joyful, peaceful, rewarding, and fulfilling. Parents and children are intimately connected through relationships that are based on mutual trust and respect.

I call this the Positive Parenting Dream. It is a dream that I wish to share with you and other like-minded parents through my life’s work at the Institute of Advanced Parentology (www.advancedparentology.com).   

Stay tune for more on how to turn the Positive Parenting Dream into a daily reality for you and your loved ones.